Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Only the broken hearted...

Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself and, if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself. For it is the unaccepted self that stands in my way and will continue to do so as long as it is not accepted. When it has been accepted - it is my own stepping stone to what is above me. Because this is the way man has been made by God. Original sin was the effort to surpass oneself by being "like God" - i.e. unlike oneself. But our God-likeness begins at home. We must first become like ourselves and stop living "beside ourselves."

Thomas Merton, from A Search for Solitude

Suffering is the necessary feeling of evil. If we don't feel evil we stand antiseptically apart from it, numb. We can't understand evil by thinking about it. The sin of much of our world is that we stand apart from pain; we buy our way out of the pain of being human.

Jesus did not numb himself or withhold from pain. Suffering is the necessary pain so that we know evil, so that we can name evil and confront it. Otherwise we somehow dance through this world and never really feel what is happening.

Brothers and sisters, the irony is not that God should feel so fiercely; it's that his creatures feel so feebly. The totally free person is one who can feel all of it and not be afraid of any of it.

Richard Rohr, from Days of Renewal

It might seem strange to juxtapose these two passages like this, but somehow they work together to describe what is beginning to happen to me this Lent. I am slowly coming to realise that my perennial soppiness, or brokenheartedness, is just exactly the way God wants me to be, and that's pretty much that.

What do I mean by "perennial brokenheartedness"? Well for me, it appears outwardly in the way that I cannot ignore suffering, real  or fictional, human or animal, which gives rise to my rather antisocial inability to watch or read much in the way of TV, films or novels. Inwardly, it is an inability, especially in prayer, to turn my heart away from pain.

It gets embarrassing too. Once, years ago, appalled at my own hard-heartedness in prayer, I prayed for the gift of tears. Bad idea. That's the kind of prayer God seems to take a particular delight in answering. Now, of course, I can't stop my helpless tears when I pray, or get involved in certain sorts of conversations.

Of course I've often tried to minimise such things. Even these days, it's embarrassing enough for women to be this way. When men do it it's downright odd. Besides, the more I can minimise it to myself, the more I can insulate myself from the transferred suffering of others, as well as from whatever internal suffering of my own is going on.

This Lent God seems to be removing pretences from me like a shipwright scraping barnacles off an old trawler. It's most uncomfortable. It's also scary, since, accepting it, as I have to, as being from God, I have no alternative but to accept where it may lead. It's out of my hands.

You see, for me at any rate, this process seems to have a lot to do with what Jesus meant when he spoke of taking up one's cross to follow him. Jesus' accepting the way of the Cross is the original pattern. When we accept to follow where he leads, we cannot avoid this pain. It is the same as love. Naming evil as the absence of love, our only weapon against it is love, and love, confronting evil, is pain; ultimately, traced to its very root, it is the pain of the Cross.

When the wind blows down this hard,
Many a bond is broken.
See the water lie on the ground
From where the heavens opened.

Lord, how will you get through this night
With your dreams departed?
And who alone will comfort you?
Only the broken hearted.

So you've gone beyond your means,
Every wound is open,
Your best laid plans are out of reach,
And all your fears unspoken.

Lord, how will you get through this night
With your dreams departed?
And who alone will comfort you?
Only the broken hearted.

        Eric Clapton, 'Broken Hearted,' from Pilgrim

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is very beautiful and honest. Thank you.

St Edwards Blog said...

"This Lent God seems to be removing pretences from me like a shipwright scraping barnacles off an old trawler."

Oh my dear Mike... what words, what feelings.

This is an extraordinary post. My prayers to you - my prayers for all of us.

Missy said...

Excellent meditation.

Missy said...

I should add that I'm always embarrassed by the intensity of my emotions.

Ann Murray said...

I'm going to watch what happens here, Mike , with keen and Christian interest. As you say, it's out of your hands, and that can only mean one thing...straight into God's.
I too like the description of the barnacles and the trawler.

Jane R said...

Wow, I'm just going to ponder that first quote, the one by Merton.

Very well timed for my time in Lent... Thank you!

Mike Farley said...

Thank you, everyone. I'm a little bemused - but in a good way ;-)

Strange feeling, all this - a bit like the moment at the top of a swimming pool flume when you let go of the rail...

Mike

Sue said...

Wow, this beautiful quote brought tears to my eyes.

"Once, years ago, appalled at my own hard-heartedness in prayer, I prayed for the gift of tears".

Oh, dear. Them's dangerous prayers. I pray those stupid prayers too. Things like, "Papa, crack me open" and "Papa, whatever you need to do, do it in me". I can FEEL his delight in me praying those things, the same as when I can FEEL his delight when I pray for people who are for whatever reason an enemy to my heart. He LURVES those prayers :) We should take heed before we pray them, hehe.