I have found that a big hindrance to spiritual growth is trying to be someone else and at a different point on the spiritual journey. This realization came again to me after a meeting where everyone was sharing their prayer experiences which included travel to special places, long retreats, days of prayer, visits to monasteries, and I was full of "if onlys." If only I could make a five-day retreat; if only my daughter were older; if only my parents lived closer to help with child care; if only we had more money...
It is so easy to fall into comparing myself with others and thus feeling "less than." All these spiritual experiences sound so wonderful and so right, so holy - from the other person's standpoint. But then I come back to my reality, my particular phase and point in life: I am a home schooling parent of a very active and enthusiastic seven-year-old daughter; my parents live in another state; and we have no extra money for travel. Growth for me can only happen in this place and in the here and now. The if onlys are just that: wishful thinking that takes me out of accepting who I am at this time.
The here and now is the place for me, for my growth, and indeed spiritual growth can occur without long retreat, travel, workshops, intense periods of prayer. I need to be, to live in the now and to allow my life to unfold from where it is.
Acceptance is key - accepting that this is who I am, as I am and that I am deeply loved, in this very moment. No method or experience or technique can make me holier; it is only in my receptivity, my acceptance of what is - that is the starting point for me, my growth in holiness. The challenge is to accept my life situation and grow from there, letting my unique self unfold, knowing I am the beloved of God, at this very moment of time and within all the circumstances of my life.
This sense of acceptance that Patience writes about is very much on my mind this Lent. I too have been a terrible one, all my life, for the "if onlys." As I've grown older I've grown a little subtler about it, maybe, and my "if onlys" have tended to be more about retreats and solitude, and less about money and recognition, but still...
God doesn't work in the "if-onlys." He only works in the "as-is-es." God can do things with where we are, with who we are. Where we might be, who we might be, are mental doodles of our own, and nothing to do with God, however much we may think of them as being about godly things, like the ideal church, the perfect Christian marriage, the right job for a Christian.
God grant me to walk only in the little pool of light he sheds on my path (Psalm 119.105) and not to long for magic maps. Please, Lord, let me live in moments you give, and know that they are enough, and that each of them is in the right place. Jesus said, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself..." (Matthew 6.34 NIV) All that we need to follow him is really here, now; it may not look sufficient, or inviting, but it doesn't have to. Hard though it is to re-read the story of Gethsemane, it is where this particular train of thought leads. Jesus didn't find the Cross inviting, at all - in fact his prayer is as close to an "if-only" as we hear from him in the Gospels - but the Cross was the place where his life was going, and where his unimaginable victory would be found. I don't imagine we who follow him can ask for a much easier ride, in fact, he warned we shouldn't (John 15.20). What he did promise, though, was that he would be with us always (Matthew 28.20), and that, strange though it feels to write it, is enough for me.
2 comments:
This is so wonderful, especially because I came back from the Shalem Residency a few weeks ago. Also, a dear friend who went to Shalem years ago always asks me if I've met Patience yet. I never have, but now I have in her words. Thank you.
I think that this is probably one of the hardest things to learn, especialy in our culture of 'spiritual materialism' - where with the best of intentions one is flogged with this retreat or that programme of study, etc., and we are human doings even in our spiritual life. Certainly I have had my share of 'if onlys'.
It takes a great deal of time and patience to realise that God wants us as we are, where we are, and if were were supposed to be doing long retreats, travelling about and so on, we would be doing that.
This is something I have been dealing with this Lent. How to discern, for instance, that pull when the courses come up to be a Lector or eucharistic Minister if it is from God or pressure from the PA, or ego? God is in the still small voice. God says 'Have I ever asked anyting but littleness of you, litle one?'
The desert fathers and celtic hermits on skelligs didn't go on retreats or pay wadges of money for courses. They sat and listened, where they were, doing what they were doing. Something to learn there.
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