Union, prayer and consequences...

Last Night
by Antonio Machado

Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt - marvelous error! -
that a spring was breaking
out in my heart.
I said: Along which secret aqueduct,
Oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life
that I have never drunk?

Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt - marvelous error! -
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt - marvelous error! -
that a fiery sun was giving
light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt
warmth as from a hearth
and sun because it gave light
and brought tears to my eyes.

Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt - marvelous error! -
that it was God I had
here inside my heart.

(Tr. Robert Bly)

It's no error, though. Christ abides in us just as we abide in him (John 15.4) - in our very hearts, in the very centre of all that we are. And it is only like this (John 15.5) that we can bear fruit at all, that we can live in and for the Kingdom of God.

I'm sure this is what contemplative prayer is for, at the root of it. To know ourselves in Christ, and him in us, is what makes prayer possible; it is not our prayer, but Christ's prayer to the Father in which we get caught up, his intercession that is his life in glory (Hebrews 7.25). We are caught up into that life, between God and humanity, and there we live in Christ, for we have died, and our life is hidden with him in God (Colossians 3.3). We have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer we who live, but he who lives in us (Galatians 2.19,20).

For me, this being "crucified with Christ" has always frightened me, as indeed it should... But what God seems to be teaching me this Lent is that it is all just part of being called; following him is following him to the Cross, and beyond, into eternal life. Being obedient to my Franciscan vocation is just being obedient to our Principles: "In the example of His own sacrifice, Jesus reveals the secret of bearing fruit. In surrendering Himself to death, He becomes the source of new life. Lifted from the earth on the Cross, He draws all people to Himself. Clinging to life causes life to decay; the life that is freely given is eternal." (The Principles, TSSF, 2)

Being crucified is nothing strange: it is only the privilege of being one who follows our Lord.

Our blessed Lady knew as she stood at the foot of the Cross, and heard her Son give her as adopted mother to his best friend, that crucifixion; only more acutely than any of us, since he was her Son as well as God's.

I'm not quite sure what is being shown me, here. Somehow the Stabat Mater Dolorosa is at the heart of it. The words of the old 13th Century Franciscan hymn keep going around in my head, especially these:

Iuxta Crucem tecum stare,
et me tibi sociare
in planctu desidero.

To stand beside the cross with you,
to join you in mourning,
is all I long for.

Virgo virginum praeclara,
mihi iam non sis amara,
fac me tecum plangere.

Chosen Virgin of virgins,
do not turn away;
let me grieve with you.

Fac, ut portem Christi mortem,
passionis fac consortem,
et plagas recolere.

Let me bear the death of Christ,
let me to share His passion,
let me recall his wounds.

(My own attempt at translation!)

I am increasingly scared by all this. I really don't know where it is going, and I just pray that somehow the grace of Christ will keep me from going completely off the rails. For strange and wild though what I'm writing seems to be, the truth I'm fumbling after isn't strange and wild. It's perfectly straightforward, and as plain as bread and ordinary wine.